If you know anyone who’s always made sure your inbox is filled with really funny jokes, I’m sure you have secretly wished they had at least sometimes forgot to send you those emails. One way or the other, you’ve almost definitely stumbled upon some hilariously serious English collected by webmasters at Engrish. They can be fun (and really confusing, too).

However, stumbling upon some rib-tickling English in the physical world can be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Ever heard of the Bad Azz Big Hair Bodyfying Tonic? Well, neither have I. Judging by the look of the product, it could easily be either a plant fertilizer or a silverware polishing substance, or maybe both. Who knows. But after reading the promo-instructions on the back of the bottle, I wasn’t sure anymore where exactly and how I should be applying it. All I knew, was that I need to be careful, because whatever it’s used on it will going to make it really BIG. Here’s what Bad Azz is all about, verbatim from the back of the bottle:

Feeling flat? Want it Bigger? It’s all about raising …the volume of your hair. Don’t wimp out… Don’t be afraid. Pump it to the next level! Big hair is not just for pageants anymore. Increase the volume and let the world know that you’re ALIVE and YOU’RE PUMPED!! Or not.

Educated guess: Just pump out from the bottle into your hair. Work through and start to PUMP IT! Watch how it is starting to get bigger…BIGGER and BIGGER. The hair dude!

When I first read this, I thought I was the victim of a marvelous prank. I wet my pants laughing. Although it seemed a bit weird that an 85 year-old grandma who handed me Bad Azz would pick up practical jokes as a hobby, I couldn’t entirely exclude that option either. If it was her, she could just as well be the new Yes Men.

Real or not, as it turned out, the company behind Bad Azz is Farouk Systems and their product line is rich in seriously bad products. Farouk’s Web site left me both amazed and amused. Besides giving me a good heart’s laugh, they also left me wondering about many other things. Who buys their creations and where did they get such stupendous marketing department with some serious skillz, are just two among many.

I shall bore you no more. Here’s the reasoning straight from the horse’s mouth from the Lone Star State in the good ol’ U S of A:

Perhaps it’s because Farouk Systems Group is the Evolution and Revolution of Professional Hair/Nail Care using Former Chief Scientists from NASA to create its technology! “Houston we DON’T have a problem!”

Ya don’t? Ya sure?

Mladen

Have you ever heard someone spilling their life’s infelicities over a phone in a public place? Or have you ever heard someone yell into their phone the likes of title of this post as they were walking down a crowded street? I’m sure most of us have. Sure, sometimes such events can rise a chuckle, but more often than not, it just makes you think “Get a life!”

These kind of occurances grew incredibly common with proliferation of mobile phones and users often shouted loudly enough that not only the person they called, but everyone standing around heard them loud and clear. Although shouting was never necessary as our phones’ microphones could always pick up our voices much better than we would have thought, it was probably the endless am-I-getting-through thought that made them shout. And maybe, just maybe it was also the absence of the “new social code”.

Because we are able to call whenever and wherever, we do just that, and pay no attention to the surroundings and circumstances. Even the message is often too personal for anyone else to hear. But I am talking to my best friend anyway, never mind that I’m standing on the five o’clock crowded subway.

When I noticed that misuse of mobile phones in public spaces annoys me, I thought I’m turning into a snob, but when I paid more attention I became aware that these same nuisances are frequently debated issues. One of the first I came across many years ago was a fantastic article, which brilliantly covered how mobile phones are changing our social lives. And then as recently as a few weeks ago a poll on Helsingin Sanomat Web pages where the response to the question Is talking on the mobile phone in a public place annoying? received a strong positive response: 58% found it annoying.

Wagging the tongue about being pissed last night raised enough brows that in Helsinki a public awareness campaign was started by many public transportation and mobile phone companies (among other sponsors). “It shouldn’t be others’ business. Don’t yell!” is the slogan on the posters where people on public transportation wear shirts with embarrassing statements, which can still be heard more often than we would want to hear them. The campaign Web site sums it up nicely:

When you have a mobile phone on your ear, the rest of the world easily disappears and private becomes public. Take into consideration people in your vicinity wherever you are; don’t let the phone reveal your whole life.

I couldn’t have said it better. And what I like about this campaign even more is that its proponents aren’t just preaching what not to do, but also advise on how to fix the problem. What they offer is concise and straightforward mobile phone etiquette:

1. Take others into consideration
2. Don’t reveal business secrets
3. Respect your surroundings
4. Pay attention to your ringtone
5. Concentrate on the traffic (when driving)
6. Don’t loose your phone

And yes, ringtones can be as annoying as hearing about details of some stranger’s life. Already several times now I’ve sat on a train where someone was trying to pick the most appropriate ringtone for different callers from their phone book. Phone numbers and ringtones stored in our phones are abundant, so trying to find a perfect match ended up with everyone in the same train car listening through all of the available beeping choices, over and over again. Even listening to seven-second clips to your favorite band for half an hour would be annoying, let alone having to sit through the high-pitched uninspiring ti-tiri-ti-tiri-di beeping for the same amound of time.

Changing people’s habits ain’t an easy task, nevertheless that change must begin somewhere. I don’t know how such pollution has been addressed where you live, but it would sure be interesting to hear about it (and if it worked).

Mladen